So it's Spring Break in Colorado, for those of you that read my blog that don't know me. (I love my creepers;D)
I'm with one of my friends Kirsten at her grandpa's house up in westminister. I love her to death but sometimes I just wanna slap the shit out of her tiny ass little face and give her a piece of my mind.
Why? I'll tell you why.
We were looking through my tumblr I believe yesterday, and a picture of Demi Lovato came up. She asks me who it is and I look at her really confused like and say it's Demi. She was like "Wow she got fat"
Are you serious? Ya know how she was super sick and starving herself, harming herself, and god knows what else she was doing to her poor body do to peer pressure? When Kirsten said that I got such a big pit in my stomach. Demi is beautiful now. Not the shit beautiful society has us all believing is what beautiful is. She really is beautiful and she's what got me through most of my issues.
That's not all! Oh just wait.
I started purging and starving myself not to long ago. Ya know why? Every god damn time Kirsten and I slightly fight, she calls me fat. This was the biggest issue. I didn't find myself "skinny" either and that was part of it but it was mostly that her words stick in the back of my mind and just haunt me all the fucking time.
The only time I ever eat is when we're at school, and then I got home and throw that all up, and then just tell myself that i'm not hungry and go running when my dad is making dinner so that the smell isn't tempting, and I never come back until around 8 at night so that I know it's all gone.
Since i'm with her right now outside of school I've been eating, I've actually been eating a lot so that she doesn't get suspicious... I want to throw it all up but I can't. So not only am I gaining wait like crazy but I feel that if I don't eat she'll get suspicious so I eat whenever I get a chance, and the other she looked at me "Do you ever stop?" she was joking so I played along faked a little laugh and said "Nope"
I hope she feels good about herself knowing that when I go home i'm not going to eat at all... I don't care if it makes me sick. I'm going to be skinny.
It doesn't stop there.
Today Kirsten and I went to Boondocks. On the way back a "Sensa" commercial came on the radio in the truck and I said "Sensa sucks, it doesn't do anything" she asked me how I knew that and I told her about how my mom had tried it and it really didn't work. She then went on to ask me why she can't just exercise. My mom has a bad ankle because she broke it when I was really really little and has screws and a metal plate in it. She also has a bad back. I told her and then she's like "How'd she get to be so fat anyways" My mom had thyroid cancer, it also is still effecting her body... She knows this. So I told her straight up "She has thyroid issues dude" and i's just thinking "BITCH HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I BAGGED ON YOUR MOM?!" oh wait, you wouldn't care, because you don't love your parents.
Anyways, I just needed to get that out, I hate how disrespectful she is sometimes. Especially with the eating thing. I guess i'm back to hating my body ._.
Till next time,
Catlynn<3
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Best Day In A Long Time
Today was great, Ben and I had our first date today :D
I got home from school and went into cliche teenage girl mode. I try and say i'm not a girly girl, but when it comes to guys I can be XD I had to take a shower so of course I did that... I spent like 20 minutes in there... hahaha Then of course after that, I had to do my hair.. after about 25 minutes of blow drying and slightly straightening, I took another like, 20 minutes deciding what to do with it. I finally decided on Pig Tails. Then I had to find the perfect outfit.
I lowered it down to "Simple Skater" and "Sexy Cowgirl" I chose Sexy Cowgirl.
When he finally got there my heart sped up and butterflies were making me feel light on air. I was so nervous.
We went out to my barn and rode Spirit for about an hour (well that's all together with getting the tack on and grooming) I called my dad to come get us and then we just walked around the property talking while we waited. It was awesome having him ride Spirit with me, even though he was on the back, his hands around my waist was the best feeling in the world.
Then when we got back to my house we watched Mama Mia and sang along with it! Best part was singing lay all your love on me.
Then the night came to an amazing end when we sat on top of my roof and looked at the stars discussing them, and planets, and other shnazz that is really nerdy so i'm not listing it... :)
Love you bloggers, that is all for tonight. I need some sleeps. <3
I got home from school and went into cliche teenage girl mode. I try and say i'm not a girly girl, but when it comes to guys I can be XD I had to take a shower so of course I did that... I spent like 20 minutes in there... hahaha Then of course after that, I had to do my hair.. after about 25 minutes of blow drying and slightly straightening, I took another like, 20 minutes deciding what to do with it. I finally decided on Pig Tails. Then I had to find the perfect outfit.
I lowered it down to "Simple Skater" and "Sexy Cowgirl" I chose Sexy Cowgirl.
When he finally got there my heart sped up and butterflies were making me feel light on air. I was so nervous.
We went out to my barn and rode Spirit for about an hour (well that's all together with getting the tack on and grooming) I called my dad to come get us and then we just walked around the property talking while we waited. It was awesome having him ride Spirit with me, even though he was on the back, his hands around my waist was the best feeling in the world.
Then when we got back to my house we watched Mama Mia and sang along with it! Best part was singing lay all your love on me.
Then the night came to an amazing end when we sat on top of my roof and looked at the stars discussing them, and planets, and other shnazz that is really nerdy so i'm not listing it... :)
Love you bloggers, that is all for tonight. I need some sleeps. <3
Monday, March 19, 2012
God Fuck Hole
I'm so alone sometimes....
No not alone... Deffinetelly FOREVER alone. Sarah found the love of her life (: They're really cute... it's almost disgusting XD haha, well, I'm happy for her. I just wish that a guy like that could like me. I don't like Kyle she's all his but why can't someone love me like that??
I mean come on... Everyone always says to me "Caitlin, you're only in middle school. Give it time."
Yeah well, ya know what. I would "give it time" if it wasn't everywhere I turned people were having the best relationships ever. Sarah and Kyle... Amie and Griffin... Alexa and Kayla... So on and So forth.
They're all so perfect together and every relationship I've ever had, has ended because someone better comes along and I'm just not enough -_-
KLAJDHFKLAH FUCK THIS SHIT.
Ya know, I'm not that bad, am I? I think I deserve at least a cute mooshy relationship..
Maybe even just a summer fling, but SOMETHING that would leave me happy. I want nothing more than this to work with Ben... I really really do. Wish me luck guys.
Love you bloggers,
Cat Crimson
P.S Ben told me he loved my eyes today, and then we got into an argument about who's eyes are better and he won. So apparently mine are better. :)
P.P.S I think I only have 2 people that read my blog... maybe not even. That's sad. D: I am such a failure XD
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Well, that's enough of that.
My last blog post was really, really terrible. It was ridiculously sad and pathetic and I need to stop being like that.
Ya know what, if Jared wants Julie over me then that's his loss. I know that I talk a lot but why should that matter? I don't even know.
I hung out with Hallie Friday, she told me Jared read that last post D: or at least the part about him. FML like seriously, now he REALLY won't talk to me... Eh, like I said, whatever.
I met Julie Saturday night at there concert. She's really cool honestly. We talked some and she seemed really cool, and chill. The only issue? She's not as pretty as I thought she was....
I don't know if it was just because that was her lazy day or what but really? Gah,
I've never really cared this much...
Usually when a guy I like gets a girlfriend, I give up. I just move on, it's never gonna happen and I accept that. This is also usually because I find her prettier than me.
I told you about how I have an issue with comparing myself to other girls? Well last night was NO different... the only thing that was different though was that I couldn't find anything better about her than about me.
Again his loss. I think i'm done ranting about Jared for awhile. Him and Her are really cute together, and i'm not gonna hurt myself trying to change that.
Love you bloggers
I'll keep you updated on all things HORSES and BENJAMIN for awhile <3
Ya know what, if Jared wants Julie over me then that's his loss. I know that I talk a lot but why should that matter? I don't even know.
I hung out with Hallie Friday, she told me Jared read that last post D: or at least the part about him. FML like seriously, now he REALLY won't talk to me... Eh, like I said, whatever.
I met Julie Saturday night at there concert. She's really cool honestly. We talked some and she seemed really cool, and chill. The only issue? She's not as pretty as I thought she was....
I don't know if it was just because that was her lazy day or what but really? Gah,
I've never really cared this much...
Usually when a guy I like gets a girlfriend, I give up. I just move on, it's never gonna happen and I accept that. This is also usually because I find her prettier than me.
I told you about how I have an issue with comparing myself to other girls? Well last night was NO different... the only thing that was different though was that I couldn't find anything better about her than about me.
Again his loss. I think i'm done ranting about Jared for awhile. Him and Her are really cute together, and i'm not gonna hurt myself trying to change that.
Love you bloggers
I'll keep you updated on all things HORSES and BENJAMIN for awhile <3
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Fuck Love
So, I haven't been on here in FOREVER but, there is no where else I can rant about this on.. So here is everything that is on my mind. It's a lot but bear with me.
Okay, so as you know, I have a HUGE crush on my best friends brother.... (Cliche I know)
Him and I were actually getting pretty close and we had done some things but everytime any hint of a relationship brewing would come up he'd say the same thing to me "I'm not really looking for a relationship"
I understand that. I respected it too, and ya know, I honestly didn't care... Yeah I wanted to date him, but I didn't, like, NEED to or anything. I guess I talk to much, and scared him or SOMETHING and he just stopped talking to me. Typical teenage player, it hurt to know that I was so easily given up but whatever. I've been trying SO hard to get over him, but I can't. I compare every guy to him, and honestly think about him all the time. I hate that I can't get over him, but egh, whatever, I'm getting there.
This is Jared... He's in a band. Traverse The Depths. He's the bass player
Do I have a chance compared to his past and present?
So, after me and Jared stopped talking I tried soo fucking hard to forget him... Then this guy comes along. I really liked him and he said he really liked me. So of course I went for it. Thomas was not only a complete sweet heart, but he was cute too! Everything he did was just plain adorable.
This is Thomas^^^
Then along came issue number 1... things were really awkward between me and him because he's shorter than I am... not by much but still. That seemed to be really the only bad thing about all this.
Now here's a little side info...
Kirsten one of my other best friend's was dating Thomas's best friend, Kyle... Kirsten and Kyle seemed to really like each other until Kirsten spilled issue number 2....
Kirsten didn't like Kyle... She never really did. Can you guess who she DID like though?? Thomas.
I've always had an issue in comparing my self to other people, so when I heard this I immedietelly looked at everything good about her and everything bad about me.
Kirsten is absolutely gorgeous.
She's a gymnast so she is flexible...
She has a really cute voice...
She's got stunning blue eyes... (Not to mention Blue is Thomas's fav. Eye color and mine are brown...)
She's short-ish so her and Thomas look good together...
She's got a rockin' body from gymnastics....
and so on...
I could go on and on about all the good things she has that I don't.
So, one night Thomas and I are talking over Facebook and I ask him plain out and simple... Do You Like Kirsten.
He told me that he didn't. He likes her as a friend and that's it.
That was it, I believed him all was well.... until one week later.
TCAP started at our school and IDK what started going on, but him and Kirsten started talking more, and him and her would have tickling wars at recess and she would randomly jump on his back. This all seriously pissed me off, they flirting out rageously RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME... What The Fuck man.... that is NOT cool... so while all this is going on, i'm really un-easy about all this... Then one night I got fed up with it and I texted him....
Me- So... Do you really not like Kirsten?
Thomas- No I do
Me- Then why did you tell me you didn't?
Thomas- Because I didn't.. Now I do.
Me- (no response)
Thomas- Is that okay? I feel guilty now.
Me- NO it's not okay.... She's my best friend!
and she's dating YOUR best friend.!
Thomas- I know.
**15 minutes later**
Me- So here's the question.... Me or Her
Thomas- Her
Such a douche baggy move RIGHT? Not to mention later on he tried to convince me and Kirsten that Kyle never liked Kirsten and that he told Thomas that it was okay to ask her out.
I started texting Kyle and it was all a lie.... NOW WE'RE ALL SINGLE BECAUSE OF THAT JACK ASS
Boys are fucking stupid... and plus, the worst part about all this?? Kirsten actually likes Thomas and they're dating now.
I still like him too :( but there's no way in hell I'm gonna win him back from Kirsten....
That's Kirsten ^^^
Beautiful, right?
I mean DO YOU SEE THOSE EYES??
It's not fair.... but I mean when it all comes down to it... Who would YOU choose?
Me Or Her?
After all of this i'm trying to get over Thomas and of course I throw myself into a heartbreaking situation.
Ben...
He can play guitar...
He can play drums...
He can sing...
He has beautiful eyes....
A breath taking smile...
And a body like a swim suit model ;)
That's Ben... Isn't he Cute :D I love everything about this boy!!!
And the thing is, He likes me too :))
The catch?? He has a choice to make... ME... or this other girl... Emily.
She's so god damn gorgeous... I mean just look!!
He's going on date's with both of us to make his final decision....
There date was Friday and I heard from both of them that it was amazing.
And the only way that he'll choose me over her is if I can make it just that itty bitty amount better....
God I hope I can.
FUCK HOPE... I KNOW I CAN
And just as a refresher... here's me^^
Well that is all bloggers.... Byyyeeee
Okay, so as you know, I have a HUGE crush on my best friends brother.... (Cliche I know)
Him and I were actually getting pretty close and we had done some things but everytime any hint of a relationship brewing would come up he'd say the same thing to me "I'm not really looking for a relationship"
I understand that. I respected it too, and ya know, I honestly didn't care... Yeah I wanted to date him, but I didn't, like, NEED to or anything. I guess I talk to much, and scared him or SOMETHING and he just stopped talking to me. Typical teenage player, it hurt to know that I was so easily given up but whatever. I've been trying SO hard to get over him, but I can't. I compare every guy to him, and honestly think about him all the time. I hate that I can't get over him, but egh, whatever, I'm getting there.
So, after me and Jared stopped talking I tried soo fucking hard to forget him... Then this guy comes along. I really liked him and he said he really liked me. So of course I went for it. Thomas was not only a complete sweet heart, but he was cute too! Everything he did was just plain adorable.
Then along came issue number 1... things were really awkward between me and him because he's shorter than I am... not by much but still. That seemed to be really the only bad thing about all this.
Now here's a little side info...
Kirsten one of my other best friend's was dating Thomas's best friend, Kyle... Kirsten and Kyle seemed to really like each other until Kirsten spilled issue number 2....
Kirsten didn't like Kyle... She never really did. Can you guess who she DID like though?? Thomas.
I've always had an issue in comparing my self to other people, so when I heard this I immedietelly looked at everything good about her and everything bad about me.
Kirsten is absolutely gorgeous.
She's a gymnast so she is flexible...
She has a really cute voice...
She's got stunning blue eyes... (Not to mention Blue is Thomas's fav. Eye color and mine are brown...)
She's short-ish so her and Thomas look good together...
She's got a rockin' body from gymnastics....
and so on...
I could go on and on about all the good things she has that I don't.
So, one night Thomas and I are talking over Facebook and I ask him plain out and simple... Do You Like Kirsten.
He told me that he didn't. He likes her as a friend and that's it.
That was it, I believed him all was well.... until one week later.
TCAP started at our school and IDK what started going on, but him and Kirsten started talking more, and him and her would have tickling wars at recess and she would randomly jump on his back. This all seriously pissed me off, they flirting out rageously RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME... What The Fuck man.... that is NOT cool... so while all this is going on, i'm really un-easy about all this... Then one night I got fed up with it and I texted him....
Me- So... Do you really not like Kirsten?
Thomas- No I do
Me- Then why did you tell me you didn't?
Thomas- Because I didn't.. Now I do.
Me- (no response)
Thomas- Is that okay? I feel guilty now.
Me- NO it's not okay.... She's my best friend!
and she's dating YOUR best friend.!
Thomas- I know.
**15 minutes later**
Me- So here's the question.... Me or Her
Thomas- Her
Such a douche baggy move RIGHT? Not to mention later on he tried to convince me and Kirsten that Kyle never liked Kirsten and that he told Thomas that it was okay to ask her out.
I started texting Kyle and it was all a lie.... NOW WE'RE ALL SINGLE BECAUSE OF THAT JACK ASS
Boys are fucking stupid... and plus, the worst part about all this?? Kirsten actually likes Thomas and they're dating now.
I still like him too :( but there's no way in hell I'm gonna win him back from Kirsten....
Beautiful, right?
I mean DO YOU SEE THOSE EYES??
It's not fair.... but I mean when it all comes down to it... Who would YOU choose?
Me Or Her?
After all of this i'm trying to get over Thomas and of course I throw myself into a heartbreaking situation.
Ben...
He can play guitar...
He can play drums...
He can sing...
He has beautiful eyes....
A breath taking smile...
And a body like a swim suit model ;)
And the thing is, He likes me too :))
The catch?? He has a choice to make... ME... or this other girl... Emily.
He's going on date's with both of us to make his final decision....
There date was Friday and I heard from both of them that it was amazing.
And the only way that he'll choose me over her is if I can make it just that itty bitty amount better....
God I hope I can.
FUCK HOPE... I KNOW I CAN
And just as a refresher... here's me^^
Well that is all bloggers.... Byyyeeee
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